If I could turn back time

When I started this blog as an online journal of my exploration of aromatherapy and later to share my adventures in bee-world, I promised myself not to shy away from writing about good and bad experiences. Because sometimes in life things do go wrong.

However, I made a decision several weeks past, which once I realised what I had done, left me paralysed with self-doubt and unable to move forward. I found it difficult to write after the impact fully hit me around two weeks ago.

It was a decision made at a time when I should not have made such a huge choice about my life – whether to go right, left or stay on the same path. My uncle’s death was only fading from my mind while my grandmother’s terminal illness was looming large, and my parents were understandably too preoccupied to talk things through as we would normally. Looking back, I don’t even recognise the person – me – who made the decision. That said, the decision was mine to make and I must accept full responsibility.

The right choice for me, I know now, was to stay on the same path and continue to move towards a goal that I have wanted for many years and that I may have been close to reaching. Instead I strayed off the path and once I realised this I found it very difficult to accept and to just get on with things.

But I can’t turn back time. My only choice now is acceptance, to believe that everything happens for a reason, and to hope that there is something new and positive on the horizon that I can’t yet see.

I have allowed myself two weeks to be sad and that is all the time I will allow.

Life has thrown much bigger things at me in the past and I have survived them all. So I will survive this and I will get back on track at some point in the future. Till then, I’m going to do my best to stop neglecting the parts of my life that I love – the amazing, incredible people who surround me, my bees, my blog, my photography…

My friend Lisa told me that transformation is often painful – like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis because its wings must be tested to be strong enough to fly. This is my period of transformation and it has been painful, but soon I will be strong enough to fly high again.

And my next post will be much happier! It’s all about a wonderful surprise this weekend – from someone who is very right in my life – that has put a huge smile back on my face.


22 thoughts on “If I could turn back time

  1. I’m sorry you’ve been through a hard time, but you’re right about looking at it with acceptance. Nothing else can be done now! But, in my experience, good things have come out of every bad experience. I trust it will be the same for you. Can’t wait to hear about your surprise! Chin up! Grieve, cry, beat a pillow, whatever you need to do to work through the feelings, and let it go.

  2. It’s hard to know if any choice is the best thing, even with hindsight. I like your attitude that it’s all about moving forward since there is no going back. Each step has to be in some direction and I hope that your next steps bring you joy and nothing but good things.

    I look forward to the next post about this surprise. You’ve whetted my appetite.

    • It all sounds so dramatic when I read my own post – in black and white – and really I have been getting on with things as normal just as we all do when something goes a bit wrong. But writing has always been a cathartic experience for me – a way to purge emotions when you don’t quite know how to express them – and then they’re gone. So I’ve done that now and it’s all about moving forward and onto the next thing 🙂 I hope you’ll like my next bee post.

  3. We are sorry to hear of your troubles and loss, but happy to see you moving forward. Any day you wake up is a good one….

    Looking forward to everything you share.

  4. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having some troubles. But I’m glad you are tackling them with acceptance and looking to the forward rather than ruminating on things you can’t change. It is a much more positive, healthy way of looking at life.

    Now you have me curious about the surprise, too…. Hmmmm.

      • Cool! Say-btw, I’ve been reading a lot about millions of bees dying off here in America and Canada due to the pesticides and neonicotinides (sp? did I get that right?). I wonder if you’ve heard much about that out there. Wait, you’re in the UK. Of course you have! You guys read more about problems going on in America than we ever do. Our press just likes to report about sensationalism, murderers and the deadlock in the House of Representatives and dysfunctional politics. Real important news that severely impacts our environment gets ignored. Sigh. I also read that Europe has already banned neonicotinides in the pesticides that are used over there. At least you guys are doing something about the dying bees.

      • You’re too hard on US telly – you guys make among the best dramas (CSI) and comedy (The Big Bang Theory) 😉 There is currently a temporary ban on using neonicotinoids in UK and most of Europe to see if this makes a different to honeybee populations. So we’ll wait and see, although I think more research is needed on multiple comorbidity of honeybees and other insect pollinators such as looking at habitat loss, pests, diseases as well as pollutants.

  5. I hope all becomes better for you. Here at home…”Last month, 50,000 dead bees were discovered littering a parking lot in Oregon. Then last week, a shocking 37 million bees were reported dead across a single farm in Ontario.” from an email I received today.

    • That’s so dreadful! Perspectives – there is always someone, or thing, worse off than you. I’d heard about the 50,000 bees in the Oregon parking lot but not this latest news. Do they know yet what has caused it?

      • According to the email, they blame Bonide and the neonics. Bonide is sponsoring the largest gathering of independent garden store owners in the world: The Independent Garden Center Show in Chicago. Key is trying to get the IGC’s to recognize the danger of these chemicals and stop the selling of the product. Bonide and Bayer are working the other angle by wining and dining the merchants.

      • It is sad these corporations are too short sighted to see past their own noses, or greed. It is also baffling why people use chemical pesticides in gardening – agriculture is another matter – when natural methods are just as effective at keeping your garden plants and bugs happy.

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